A Room of my Own


A Room of My Own

It’s funny. Today is the first time I have noticed the post at the Soul Food Cafe entitled A Room of Your Own. Yet, when I embarked on the voyage on the SS Vulcania, it was the first thing that popped into my mind…the need for a room of my own. I began a journey into finding one…then shortly thereafter abandoned it. At the time, I felt it was unintentional. I got too busy, I was too ill, I had more pressing things on my mind but when I reflect back on it, I realize something very important. I gave up. The journey became hitting on some sensitive areas in my heart and soul and I decided to run in the opposite direction. Since that time, however, I have come to another realization. This journey may have frightened me a bit..ok more than a bit, but still, it is a journey I desperately need to make.

In 1998, I, along with my mother and daughter, was in a car accident. According to our rescuers, the police, and those at the auto shop, we were lucky to be alive. They listed off to us the many, many ways we "should" have died that day. If the vehicle that hit us had been one inch more to the passenger side, my daughter would have been crushed. If our vehicle had been one model year younger than the one we had, our gas tank would have blown up on impact. If traffic coming towards hadn’t cleared at the EXACT second that we were hit, we would have been involved in a 5 car pileup. If my seat hadn’t broken and fallen backwards (which ironically caused the majority of my injuries), my chest would have been crushed between the seat and the steering wheel which I hit with full force. When we went to take photographs and try to salvage our remains from our car at the auto shop, even given what DID happen, they were shocked to see us still walking. They felt that if anyone who had been in that car had lived, they surely must have ended up in intensive care. And they were even more shocked to find out anyone (my daughter) had been in the back seat and had survived at all. The list goes on and on. Our lives changed in that instant.

Although the accident didn’t cause broken bones or life-threatening injuries, it did cause many life-changing injuries – some for the worse, but some were actually gifts that changed our lives for the better. My life, my priorities took a turn after that day. I began to reassess what was truly important. I can’t say that I changed overnight. I can’t say that I still don’t have changes that I would like to make. In fact, I think that life should be a lifelong journey of growth so I suppose I wouldn’t even want to become “my ideal self” all at once. What would I strive for then? No, I want to savour the journey. And I don’t want to completely decide right now just what it is that I want to be “when I grow up”. I want to be open to change and growth, to new opportunities, to new learning opportunities.

How does this all relate to having a room of my own? Since the time of the accident some other traumatic events have happened in my life. I have survived. But for a time, it took its toll. I lost myself a little bit. I shut myself away from the outside world to an extent and I started sinking into a bit of a depression. And then, one day, I made a decision. I decided to be happy. It sounds simple doesn’t it? In some ways it is…just as simple as saying “I’m going to be happy.” In some ways, it can be oh so difficult. In the process of heading towards happiness, I have come to realize more and more the need for a room of my own…a safe haven where I can be me, where I can hold onto what’s dear to me and learn to let go of what isn’t, where I can keep my heart and soul safe, a place where I can embrace serenity.

Published in: on January 4, 2010 at 5:07 am  Comments (3)  

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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Gosh it’s not hard to understand why you feel such a strong need to have a room of your own. You have been through so much in the past few years. The time and space that a Room of our Own gifts to us is probably exactly what you need, what your soul is crying for, after your harrowing life experiences.

  2. Funny how life can shake us to our core yet be a gift and catalyst for change. For most of my life growing up, I had to share a room with my sister or mother. So I made a room of my own in a journal until I finally had my own room. Now I have a few rooms of my own…one for the funny stuff, one for writing and art, one for those deep realizations and discoveries that I feel safe to share only with my raven friends.

    I hope that your room is a place where you can let you be you in complete safety and serenity.

  3. It is weird how trauma can lead to realize essential things about the way we live.
    You don’t say whether you have been able to create your room yet. I do hope so.

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